Thursday, February 23

fishing or suicide. fishing seems easier.

To say that I'd like to not be at work right now barely scratches the surface of my thoughts. 

If I'm lucky, the universe will coincide nicely between the moment between meetings with people I don't care about discussing problems I don't want to care about with an hour long sojourn to the local park where a rising cloud of blue winged olives I do care about will be imitated nicely on a fly rod I thought I didn't care about upon which it turns out that I do. 

This is why at 2:38am I was tying four tiny little flies with the first scraps I could find on my desk. There are many things I should be devoting time to. All of these things I do are not among them.

This is a problem. However, I'll continue to put it off one hour at a time.


And now, a tangent: Moustaches. 


They're fucked up. Let's be honest about it.


Not only that, but I'm convinced few modern men grow moustaches as anything but some sort of post modern ironic statement sort of thing. Yet, I'm sure I (and a sample of friends) aren't the only ones who've sat around and said, "fuck, I should grow a moustache coz that'd be funny looking."


So, you do. And you look at this thing under your nose in the mirror and think, "fuck me in the neck, that looks pretty damned good."


Suddenly, you're serious. You've got a moustache and you think its awesome. You might tell people that its to be funny, but you're pretty proud of it.

And you talk to your guy friends and everyone admires your awesome 'stache, and life is pretty good.

Mustaschioed and shit, eh wot?

Except the women. All women hate them. They have to. Think about it, right now, if you can think clearly from a position of non-moustacheship. Its ridiculous. They all, no matter what, are completely stupid and completely unattractive to women everywhere.

I should know, I grew what I termed the "white power moustache" for a couple weeks. Evidently, in the real word this is called a "horseshoe moustache" by people in the know. All I know is I once had a guy who worked for me who had done time, and was going to do time again and grew one. When I mocked him (and pointed out because we worked in the Food Service Industry at the time that it was against regs) he told me he needed this ridiculous thing to not get his ass kicked by the Aryan Nation in the pen.

I am unsure if this is true or not. Was a good story. Also, he did go back to prison. No, I did not grow my "white power moustache" because I'm into white power (which I'm not), but because its highly ridiculous and my lack of awesome 'stache power permitted its growth.

Also, the meaning behind symbols is so fucking lost anymore, anyways. For fuck's sake, I see the weaselish fucking weasel kids on the planet wearing spider web tattoos on their elbows. There was a time (when I did, fwiw, hang out with white power kids because we all went to same hardcore shows, not because I was into their line of shit) that wearing that sort of shit around while being an utter poser would've had your ass kicked eight ways to Sunday by a pack of obnoxious wanna be Nazis.

One of who we called Tits-and-Lips. I don't really know why either, but outside of a freakish desire to belong to a pack of assholes, Tits-and-Lips was actually a nice kid. Just stupid.

I feel like I'm off point, so to go back a bit... All women hate them. Don't believe me? Go ahead, grow one. Outside of girls who might admire your outside-the-box thinking (hipster chicks, I guess), any normal thinking lady is going to think you look like a complete douche with that shit under your nose. This was the point of that prior several paragraphs of shit, I grew the white power horseshoe moustache as a ridiculous joke and my wife refused to even look at me until I removed it.

And because I thought it was awesomesauce I kept that shit on for nearly a month. Eventually I cracked. All men do.

So, all women hate moustaches and yet... men love them.

And this, I can only assume, explains the popularity of the moustache amongst the gay set. At least the hairy bear side of that house.

I dunno.

Maybe I'm wrong.

If the stats logs are any indicator of the weird sort of shit people search for that come to this page (reference "alligator dicks," and the fact that this will bring even more random hits to this shit), eventually I'll have some bear seeking Internet pornsters hitting htis shit up.

Go ahead. Leave an anonymous comment. WHY do you like moustaches? Explain it!

EXPLAIN IT!

edit: an important update. less than what seven hours of writing this shit the stats page shows this entry:
girls hate horshoe moustache
 Awful spelling aside, this is just basic proof.

10 comments:

  1. alright stoner,
    #1 I'm new to fly fishing (2 years)so I have no right having such opinions. But I do have opinions, puppy ones. #2 I hate derek deyoung, and #3 I hate all of these fancy fucking flies. Give me a break! Metal sculpin head, googly-eyed, flash-ass. I'm only in 2 years and I'm already a crudmudgeon. As far as my limited, green horned, stream crowding self is concerned the flies you show are gonna catch as many fish as anything else. 2 feathers and a hook.
    I finally found a place to let the rants out! Thanks.
    Was at TCO in Bryn Mawr today saw a new Deyoung hat. Check that shit out. I wanted to say something, but I'm not cool enough yet...
    FYF,
    J

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd like to share the following salient facts:
    Its not just a hat, its a _trucker_ hat...by Simms! Fuck my face, you don't get much more fucking trout fucking awesome bum than that, son. Hot damn.
    http://www.simms-flyfishingoutfitters.com/simms/s/viewitem.aspx?p=hag-sim-truc-dey

    If someone wants to get Simms to send that to me, I promise to take a shit in it then burn it, videotaped for prosperity. Maybe not the shitting part. I'll get my dog to do it, he's into that sort of thing.

    Two, here's a man punching himself in the nuts with a fucking de young tattoo on his arm.
    http://moldychum.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2008/08/06/punch_to_the_nuts_003.jpg

    Three, for fitty bucks you can buy a single stick fucking humidor with awesome art from Simms, the leader in fly fishing frippery.

    http://canvasfish.com/simms-merchandise/deyoungsimms-cigar-humidor

    At least when I saw his shit plastered on the side of Abel reels, it was novel(ish)..but now, seriously, its just fucking everywhere and its all the fucking same. Holy fuck, fly fishers are stupid and will fucking buy goddamned anything.

    Reference fucking tungsten "fishskulls" that basically make your flies into overpriced jigs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was on the fence about it but now I'm sure...I will wax the ends of my moustache this year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. and it will look fucking AWESOME to men everywhere. i'd fucking have a massive handlebar 'stache if i could pull it off and i'd never, ever get laid again.

    somehow, though, it would be worth it. amirite?

    moustaches. fuckin eh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AWESOME BLOG! Liked your style when you were posting on that other site.

    My wife loves my stache and beard...she says it tickles when im eating....:)~~

    Monocacy is my home water as well...would be cool to get up and bullshit with u some time.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I used to have a goatee at times but kinda too lazy to grow it anymore and just like the clean shaven thing now. It did make me look a bit hipsterish tho,aka Shaggy. Also the times I grew the Flyers playoff beards that and never really looked that good. Sidenote...always makes my day better to come here and see this stuff! Amber amputee and basement horse ftw!

    ReplyDelete
  7. My buddie had a real thin moustache he called a "molestache" because everyone said he looked like a child molester. He bought a gold chain and a muscle shirt, embraced the "molester" look and moved from Bozeman to L.A. Pretty strange dude. He's probably dead.
    Moustaches are cool. Chinstrap beards are for alligator dicks and...ahem Mr. DeYoung.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hell, I had a hairy upper lip for 20 years now! Wish it drove the women away, all they do is get in the way of fishing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hawkbird, did that moustache look like the one Sydney Crosby had? That was one ungly, child molester-looking moustache!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brandon, It did look like Crosby's but blonde and greasier

    ReplyDelete