Practical advice for those of you with Bell's Palsy or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Search Engine

Let's take a break for something a little different, eh?

Actual, usuable advice for the intrepid Interwebs browsers who wander to this blog looking for something entirely off the usual (for what its worth) topic via the Google, or whatever.

Look, weird shit appears in my logs, guys looking for information on Ian MacKaye, information on the Lehigh Valley's best doughnuts (fwiw, El Greco's rocks the best pizza, doughnuts are doughnuts), and the repeated (!!!) searches for alligator dicks.

I'm still baffled 'bout that.

So, God knows I searched lots of junk when I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy, and well, I'm sure someone will here, too. Let me give that guy, or girl, some useful practical advice.

Oh, and a teaser: There's a better alternative than that bullshit about taping your eye closed. We'll get to that, though...

One, find an eye doctor and begin to see them immediately. My GP neglected to mention this fact. I don't recall if she did mention eye drops, but let's presume she did. That's not even the tip of the iceberg. Hell, the only reason I'm seeing an eye doctor is because the mother-in-law works for an ocular surgery group, and she tried to solicit some free advice and they wanted me in immediately.

Why? Because your eye no logner closes. You probably noticed that, eh? Eye doesn't close, it dries out. "Eye drops" don't mean those wet synthetic tears, either, they mean those gel ones that come in a tube. GenTeal is the one they gave to me. Don't worry, you'll get used to putting it in your eye. Pull the lower lid out, and squirt it on the ledge that's formed. I never thought I'd pull this off on my own, but you get real tolerant of it.

The eye doctor will check your cornea for the start of damage from drying out. That goes on to become permament damage. That goes on to become loss of vision. Think not blinking sucks? How about not being able to see at all, eh?

You're not sleeping, its because your eye is open all the damned time. You thought you closed it, but you didn't. Every time a light reflects through a window, a spouse flicks a switch, or an anglerfish swims by, you will wake up. You won't know it, but I assure you this is the case. Also, its gonna dry out (see above) or get damaged by something touching it, so what do you do?  "Tape your eye shut," they say.

Eye patch. Yes, I'm serious. 

Good luck with that, but fuck it, not my style. My fat sweaty, and now droopy, lid didn't support this option. It'd pop open and BAM! Micropore tape 1/16" from your fuckin pupil. So, not an option, then. Well, what do I do? Its called a moisture chamber (Hilco/Wilson Opthamalic sells them, and no one seems to talk about them or have them, but its awesomely handy. If you get no other single thing from this post, let it be this: Bell's Palsy eye taping alternative. (see, written for search engines) I cannot stress this enough! I wear one just about constantly, including one that's blacked out (swanky leather piece from the craft store and some hot glue, way more chic than the BS industrial white look). Yeah, you lose your depth perception, and look like Snake Plissken, but seriously, its just awesome and safe.

I sleep at night because of it, thank fuckin God.

Snake Plissken, you say? Yeap. Its funny, but I find solace in John Carpenter/Kurt Russell movies in my times of woe and want.  Seriously. If you need some advice, remember, no matter how fucked up it gets, Egg Chen beat this shit and had permament facial damage from it, and look at him now, successful tour bus driver, ancient Chinese warlock, and alter ego of character actor Victor Wong.

Six Demon Bag, bitches.

That's right, everyone's second favourite supporting actor from Big Trouble in Little China, Victor Wong  made lemonaids out of aids, by taking his permament eye thing from Bell's Palsy and converting it into a successful career as a weird looking character actor.

So fuck that guy who looks at you funny coz half your face is hanging and your one eye is staring somewhere into his soul while you flap your Third Stage Guild Navigator lipped mouth at him. Fuck him in the neck. 'Coz Egg Chen's a sorcerer, man, and what the fuck is he?

Oh, and yes, people will look at you like you've had a stroke. If you pull your dead side cheek, you can be understood way better. Good luck with that.