Dear Cheeky Fly Fishing Company:

Piss off.

Look, I know, I'm basing my entire hateful opinion of you on one small throwaway fluffer article in a local (to you) rag and your website, but work with me here. Its all you've given me.

At best, you appear to be four guys with too much free money and time who decided you could cash in on the current hipster revolution in fly fishing by creating overpriced reels in the line of Abel or Willow, but seemed to miss that one of them offered 25 years of high quality workmanship and the other one...shit, I'm not sure what Willow's got going other than pure, unadulterated beauty.

Evidently, you think that fly fishing should become a young, trendy urban sport, like skiiing (I didn't realize skiing was in fact young, trendy, or urban, but still).

So, this article, it says you're bringing some style to the sport?


What have you brought? Pastels. Fucking pastels! No one wants that. No one. I mean, really, and the fucking name? "Cheeky." Its not a cute, cheeky name, its just fucking stupid. Look, this article says that your "swag" includes beer cozies (of fuckin' course, can't let that PBR get warm, eh?)... It also appears that includes eye-poppingly-bright shirts (so you can look like a part of BASSCAR?) and trucker hats.. Dude, nothing to hold Parliaments, yet? Think about it! Cheeky Cigarette case, dudes.

Look, if you're making a desperate money grab, good for you and all, but considering the best quote in the puff piece is, well, let me just reprint with a little fair use action:

Brickhouse Creative, based in Bozeman, Mont., helped design Cheeky's logo, image and web page.

Brickhouse CEO David Thompson, who once worked for Orvis and has helped brand other fly-fishing companies, was struck by the vision and business acumen of Cheeky's founders.

"They were not just a bunch of dudes who were like, 'We are going to make some fly reels and have some fun.' They had a PowerPoint (presentation) and a business plan and were obviously bright, energetic guys," he said. "They had this vision that was fun and different and (were) aiming for an edgy, younger crowd."

 Alright! A PowerPoint presentation! Well shit, I can see how that lays out business acumen. Rock on you captains of industry.

But, something you might wanna have a talk with those boys out in Bozeman. Seems they don't understand fish other than trout, coz I guess they thought you'd hooked yourselves a whale for the shot they selected for the "reels" product page.

I mean, you did hook that fish in the blow hole, right?

Borrowed from the Cheeky FF Company website, if its not obvious.

I dislike everything you stand for, hope to accomplish, and will likely profit from before you fold silently into nothing. Also, your target market sucks. I say this will the full knowledge that I probably AM your target market, and because of that, I hate myself just that much more.

Revoltion and rebellion aren't a product of too much money and idle time, but generally the exact opposite. The guys who had to take their Medalists and install leather finger brakes because they couldn't afford anything better (versus scencesters like me who did it because it was cool). Guys who figured out that carp were actually fish of distinction, not because it was cool to fish for them, but because they lived in the middle of a shitty urban wasteland and it was what they had and trout streams and salt flats were outside the realm of a bus pass.

That's the shit you only wish you could catch with your fucking Powerpoint presentation and your secret desire that the parent corporation of Patagonia buys your bullshit out in five years for its handsome and powerful branding, where the product itself be damned.

You want actual people of interest or distinction in fly fishing? There's plenty of that out there. Without batting an eyelash, I could name three people on my favourite haunt, the bluesman who rides his Beamer  to the stream then fishes with workingman junk from ebay in a three piece suit. The guy who shreds lead guitar for a metalcore band on weekends, when he's not polishing up on his salmon fly dressing skills. The third guy who builds actual bombs for a living, and drives around in a orange Acura Legend on dubs with a massive stereo system pounding out audiobooks. These people are the sort of true hipsterism that Cheekey is so desperate to cash in on while plying on cheap scencester bullshit like PBR coozies and pictures of them in exotic locations on fancy charter boats wearing buffs for fuck's sake.

That's why I want you to fail. Because you're trying so very hard to coopt something to make your brand  and fuckall else be damned to the wayside.

So, you can take all the manufactured counterculture hipster scencester bullshit that you're trying to pump down my fucking throat by the collective cock of marketing and jam it up someone's receptive ass.

Coz mine ain't.

Don't get me wrong, Cheeky Lads, it's not just you. Its the entire collective fucking universe of bullshit thats trying to jam this nonsense at me. I'm tired of it. You just happened to come along and be possibly the most offensive of all because its so fucking brazen. And stupid.

But if you wanna send me a reel to review, yeah, I'll do it. However the stipulation is I can keep it and do what I will with it when I'm done, which includes sell it for a profit so I can import a stack of cheap Chinese made crap in stupid colours and just write the word METHRAGER 850XLT on the side and sell them as part of my new LVLS Fishing Store. Between that and special water proof cigarette boxes, I'm gonna launch my empire. I hear the youth are getting restless and are ready to make fly fishing the next skateboarding.

Also, full disclosure, I'd murder babies for an Abel Creek with the skull and crossbones motif. I'm still better than pastels, but if the guys from Cheeky want to send me one to "test" and validate their awesome claims, I'll be happy to show how well it works after being smashed senseless with a hammer.